A Broken Heart

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Well I have hesitated even posting this but I know people can see through me and you know how things work, people find out, good news travels fast, bad news travels faster. I have purposely avoided talking to people today because I didn't want to talk about it. Emotionally right now I am just lost and numb and angry. I am not really sure how to put it into words really. The best way I can describe it is my heart is just broken or crushed. I know I should just have more faith and just cheer up and deal with it(and I will) but frankly I am really struggling with this one. I don't think ever in my life until now can I say I felt my heart was broken until yesterday.

You all know I had heart surgery. Well, there have been ups and downs but overall I have been able to handle things really well until yesterday when my follow up with my cardiologist didn't go well. Don't get me wrong it could be worse and the way I am making it sound it probably sounds like they have given me a certain amount of lifetime left which of course is NOT the case. I had a 24 hour holter monitor done the end of last month and it showed that I had too many extra heart beats in my lower chamber. I had some in my upper chamber too but the lower chamber is considered dangerous. I have NEVER had issues with my lower chamber....until now.
My cardiologist is completely stumped from everything going on and of course if he is stumped so am I which makes me more frustrated. Aren't Dr's suppose to know everything? Just kidding.
Anyway to make a long story shorter. He basically said the extra beats he is seeing is dangerous and what they usually see before someone goes into cardiac arrest. UM...YEAH! SHOCKER! So...I am not allowed to do any strenuous exercise until after I have a T-Wave test done. He started me on a Beta Blocker to help with the arrythmia's and then the T-Wave is scheduled for next Friday. Basically he said if the test shows positive. I am high risk for cardiac arrest and/or sudden death.

If the test comes back negative then things will start to look up. I know I just need to have faith it will come back normal. But I am just sooooo frustrated that my heart can't get it together since surgery. I feel great...I started exercising and lost 28 pounds!!! I have been doing great and then they strap that holter monitor on me and my heart starts freaking out again! WHAT! I am so angry! NO I mean I am angry! Why can't it just beat right and why NOW after I came off medication and was doing so well for 4 months and all the other tests come back looking great. My ekg's, my echo, and all that and then THIS! I have no words....I am just stunned! I was really looking forward to being cleared to have another baby. I was so close and now my "dream" was just stomped on! I know don't get me wrong. This is a major bummer blog entry. I do know and I mean I do know how blessed I am. Truly I do! I have a wonderful loving husband and three beautiful children and they are just as much of my dream and they keep me smiling! But, it is just hard to face the reality that I may never be able to give birth physically to another child and that breaks my heart! If the test comes back positive a pregnancy is out of the question. If it comes back negative it is still a possibility but most likely I will have to remain on a Beta Blocker through the pregnancy and I was really hoping I wouldn't have to do that. So anyway...
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sigh.... and for good news though my heart rate is normal last August it was average of 100 bpm (which is high) after the digoxin it came down and helped the arrythmia's I had in my upper chamber. The digoxin I was on got recalled in the end of April so I came off of it and everything looked wonderful until the end of last month and now the arrythmia's have moved from the upper chamber to the lower chamber. But my heart rate has stayed at an average of 86 bpm. So that is very good news. Nonetheless my heart is still aching...

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